Story - A Meeting with the Turtle of Death

Death was in a cat and mouse game. It had felt thrilling in the beginning, but the longer the game went on, the more death became tired and frustrated.

You see, most people are rather attached to living. Death could understand. Self-preservation was part of his natural instinct too. However, most people identified with their physical forms – body, emotions and mind. They believed that was who they are. Death mostly left those people alone – it only made the final transition all the more satisfying.

Most people thought that death’s only responsibility was to aid the transition when their physical forms went past their ‘best before date’. How wrong they were. Death was there in the single mother who gave up her dream of being an artist to raise her child. He was there in the athlete pushing himself beyond his limit. He was there in the dancer who dissolved into the dance. He was there in relationship breakups, house moves and career changes. He was even there in haircuts….sometimes…if the person spontaneously decided to drastically change their look…why not?

And then there was that special kind of person…

-

Jane was almost certain she was dreaming. As she walked through the colourful landscape, she noticed that it was changing too rapidly to be the waking world. One moment she was on top of a hill looking over the landscape below, the next in a forest of strange looking trees that waved back and forth despite there being no wind. Some slight twinges of anxiety murmured through her stomach. As she stopped and took a deep breath, she softened and accepted her experience.

She knew exactly why she was dreaming such a dream. Change was being invited and the only way forward was to go with it.

Jane wasn’t really sure who she was anymore. Or, to be more accurate, who she had been was no longer a good reference point for life. She no longer felt that normal, everyday living as society expected was the way she wanted to be. The problem was, she had no idea what the alternative was. She’d heard about communities that lived off-grid, but she wasn’t sure a complete departure from society was the answer either. It left her feeling rather anxious.

It wasn’t that she felt she was in trouble; she’d worked on her self-awareness enough to know that sometimes a transition period was necessary. The challenge was fully embracing that when memories of comfort and safety came up. The security of knowing what the day was going to look like and who you would spend it with was still extremely appealing.

Then, there was her job. Working as a Physiotherapist had been very rewarding over the years. However, the fixed hours and constrained way of working with people was beginning to feel very limiting to her. She craved something which allowed her to express all of her being. But, what would that be?

What was the alternative? It felt like obliteration. The inner compass of identity which she had relied upon so much felt outdated. Her kids were now old enough to take care of themselves – she’d already worked through her need to be needed. Even so, they were now living lives deeply embroiled within a society which felt just wrong to her. Whenever she’d spoken to them recently, she couldn’t connect with what they were sharing and she’d left feeling hollow and sad.

She remembered the conversation she’d had with her son earlier in the week.

“You have to concentrate more on your finances mother, keep saving a bit here and there. That’s the only way you’ll be able to afford a new car. That’s just how life is.” Jane was quite sure that life was not just ‘like that’. In fact she knew that the universe created differently if you were surrendered enough to that. It could be magical. However, she knew from experience that if she explained this, her son would simply roll his eyes and continue to talk down to her, as if speaking to a child.

What worked better was simply addressing the energy of the exchange itself. “Are you afraid for me?” She asked?

“Of course I am, you’re on the brink of financial poverty” (Jane didn’t feel that 600 Pounds was ‘poverty’) “and if you can’t buy a car then you’ll be trapped at home. Besides, you need something reliable, not like that old banger you have right now.”

“Who are you calling an old banger?” Jane joked, then immediately realized she was stepping into he old pattern of avoidance of confrontation with humour. No, this time she would face the discomfort head on. “Greg, I know my way of going about things makes you nervous, but that’s your reaction, not mine. I’m trusting that the universe will figure something out.”

“Mother… “

“I know Greg, truth is I do feel a bit nervous about it sometimes, but I don’t want to fall back into old patterns. Whether I feel trapped or not is an inner state, regardless of whether I have a car or not. I will not let fear guide my actions.”

Jane could tell that Greg was still skeptical, but he had the awareness to know that pushing his mother further wouldn’t be helpful, so he let the subject go.

·         

The conversation with her son had still been playing through her mind as she got ready for bed that evening. Jane was at a crossroads in her life. Not so much an outer one, but rather an inner one.

With these thoughts swirling through her mind, she had fallen asleep.

-

As she continued walking through the dream, the landscape became darker and darker, until it was difficult to see anything. Still, she continued walking, somehow knowing that moving would keep her from getting lost.

She came upon a large pond. It felt magical and safe. Fireflies drifted through the air. Sitting on a rock on the edge of the pool was a figure. What was it? A turtle? Jane knew this was no ordinary turtle. It emitted an aura of primal power. Like it was a force of nature itself. With every step closer she felt more and more uneasy, yet she knew she was here to meet this being.

As she approached, the turtle spoke. “Welcome Jane. It’s not often one of your kind gets to be in my presence. Only when I chose it. So, come forwards, and let’s talk.” Jane hesitated. “Nervous? Nauseated even? It’s all normal. Don’t worry I’m not dangerous. Well, at least not to you at this moment. Come now, you’re obviously here for a reason.”

Jane bit her tongue and walked on through the nausea. “Who are you?”

“I am the force that you call ‘Death’”. Jane’s nausea got worse, but one question seeped through that feeling and came out before her brain could discern whether it was a sensible one or not.

“Why are you a turtle?”

“Ah yes, you expected a black cloaked figure no doubt. Scary skull and a scythe? Death clicked his tongue and rolled his eyes. “You appear to a couple of renaissance artists as a joke and that’s the image you’re stuck with for centuries!” Jane relaxed a bit. Death suddenly seemed a little more relatable.

“The fact is that to most people death is a surprise. They spend their entire lives assuming that just because they were alive yesterday, they’ll stay that way." He looked up at Jane and in his eyes she saw the slow grinding of eternity. She saw the births and deaths of stars and solar systems. She saw the constant recycling of energy in black holes. She saw the universe expanding and contracting like a giant in and out breath.

“I am ALWAYS with you” toned death in a low, guttural voice that sent shivers through Jane. "I’m there every time your expectations don’t get met. I’m there whenever your identity gets challenged. I’m with you in every loss, every transformation. When you move house, end a relationship, change your job. I’m a turtle because death is a slow, constant process. Like the turtle carries it’s shell, you humans carry death around wherever you go. There are those who try to ignore me. For them I becomes an unbearable weight. Then there are some few who embrace me. For them, I am weightless.”

Jane took a moment to contemplate what death had said. “So, how can I embrace you?”

Death gave a curt nod, seeming satisfied with the question. “By making friends with change. Death is only really the breaking down of one reality in order to make space for another. Ah, I can see the slight disgust in your eyes. You’ve worked to embrace me but I can still see it. There are things you still haven’t fully accepted, right? That would be why the nausea is getting worse.”

Indeed, Jane felt like she would be sick any moment.

“I just don’t know if I can take the next step to move forward in my life”, explained Jane. I don’t even know what that step is! I feel like the normal way of living is not for me.” At this, death nodded and seemed pleased. Jane continued, “I know that I want to move on, but part of me is scared. What will I have to give up? What will I have to sacrifice?”

“All transformation requires some sacrifice, child.” Death’s slow rumbling voice was somehow comforting. “Or at least we perceive it as such, until a new, more aligned reality comes our way. Then we realize it wasn’t so much a sacrifice, but more a letting go of something, or someone, we were needlessly clinging to. What are you afraid to let go of?”

“Security, safety.”

“Be more specific.”

“The security of knowing how my life is going to look, and who I’ll be spending it with. I’m afraid of the unknown. I’m stepping into something new, but I’m afraid of what I may lose, of who I may lose, in the process. It seems like I’m stepping into a black hole, blind. At the moment I can only see the loss, not what’s on the other side.”

“Good, then we are close and can work together. But if you continue to hesitate on the edge, I will become as a weight to you. The only way through is through me!” Death said this with some force, which caused Jane to catch her breath. She felt like she was spiraling and started to panic.

“Ah child, just breath. There is always something more aligned on the other side, for those who give themselves to me. You just have to trust.”

“Trust in you? How?”

“Not in me. Trust in the process. Trust that alignment will happen. Trust in yourself. For I am only really a part of you.”

That gave Jane pause. She felt empowered. Closing her eyes, breathing and softening, as she’d been taught, she began to let go. Not of her old life. Not of the panic she felt. Instead, she let go of any need to know what was through the darkness. She let go of any idea about how her life would look, any need for a particular outcome.”

When she opened her eyes again, it was as if the world was holding it’s breath. The pond they sat beside was completely still. The trees were as if frozen. Even the fireflies which danced and flickered were still, as if waiting for something.

“Welcome to the space between”, toned death. “You are almost through to the other side, but first you must do something. You must journey to the singularity. It’s the only place from which authentic, aligned action can arise. There you will find your answer to how to proceed with your life.”

“Where is it?”

“It is within, child... Deep within… Close your eyes... Now, find the witness within. That which observes experience. This is the part of you that is beyond even my reach... Yes, I can see you’ve found it, good. Now, go beyond your perception of the physical. It should be easy here in dream world.”

Jane found herself to be a consciousness floating in space. There was no longer a boundary to her.

“Now, go beyond any attachment to the people in your life”, toned death. “This only clouds discernment and keeps you bonded in form.”

Jane was a consciousness floating in space, without need for emotional completion. Simply whole.

“Go beyond the need to accomplish anything… Go beyond the need to be anything other than as you are… Go beyond thought itself.”

A pure consciousness, floated in space, without need for anything else to complete it. In its emptiness it felt completely whole. It felt eternity through the ever present moment. Yet, there was uniqueness. An individual sovereign flow of consciousness. As the consciousness flowed without anything to hinder it, an impulse arose. The impulse was known to the consciousness. Yes, it was called determination. There was something else, what was that? Ah yes, it felt like curiosity. A feeling of adventure. As the consciousness paid attention to them, they grew and became movements.

Jane felt a rightness. A yearning to express determination and curios adventurousness. She opened her eyes. Death looked back at her. Interestingly, her nausea was gone. A moment of understanding passed between them.

“So you have your answer”, said Death. It was not a question.

“Indeed, I think. Though it doesn’t tell me what to do from here. I still have no idea where my life is going.”

“Indeed so, but true, alchemical change doesn’t happen in the doing. It’s rather in the being. You have a way of being to integrate. Be that and you will know what the next step is. And when you’ve taken that step, then ask again, how to be? So, our lives take shape and transform in the most profound and magical of ways, without us ever having to do anything other than be ourselves.”

Jane smiled. She felt a deep peace arise in her. She knew she would not easily forget this lesson and was keen to see what her next step would be.

“I can see you’re ready to move on”, said the turtle that was Death. I’m always here if you need me. I’m not all that bad you know.”

He smiled an ironic smile, and everything went black.